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After ten years in Norway, going home isn't so easy. One Scottish expat living in Trondheim shares his story.

This year will be my tenth year living in Trondheim.聽 That鈥檚 the longest continuous stretch I鈥檝e lived in any country, including my native Scotland.聽 I鈥檝e got itchy feet and I miss my childhood friends. It feels like it鈥檚 time to go home.

There鈥檚 only one problem. I don鈥檛 think I know how to live in the UK anymore.

I鈥檓 not talking about the culture shock, harsh as it may be.聽 Last time I was back in Glasgow a stranger started talking to me in the street.聽 No reason, no 鈥榝raming鈥� of the conversation, we were just walking towards each other and he started talking to me.聽 I was scared.

Then I remembered that, in Glasgow, this just happens sometimes.聽 I would have to re-learn how to socialise with people.聽To be honest though, it鈥檚 one of the things I miss most about Glasgow.

The real problem is that living in Norway is just too comfortable.聽 I鈥檓 soft.聽 I wouldn鈥檛 be able to hack it anywhere else anymore.聽 And why is that?

It all starts with questionable life choices and a bit bad luck.

Stuck in the middle鈥�

Some of us are destined to fall between two chairs. Creative but not artistic, analytical but not detail orientated. We鈥檙e never going to be the superstars of marketing, we鈥檙e not detail orientated enough and too easily distracted to be proper engineers.

Thankfully, there are some places in the world that welcome us with open arms, places filled with start-up technology companies that need employees who can do a bit of everything.聽 These places need people who can be the glue that binds all the elements together.聽 I have no idea where that place is back in Scotland but, in Norway, Trondheim is certainly one of those places.

However, we鈥檙e still human.聽 Sometimes circumstances and choices lead you to a place you don鈥檛 necessarily want to be.

One thing that is true in both Norway and the UK is that, in order to get a well paid job, you almost always need a Masters degree or an industry recognised apprenticeship.

For those of us who are academically gifted enough to go to university, but not gifted enough to graduate with anything other than a simple Bachelors degree, a career as a shelf stacker in the local supermarket beckons.

Unless you have an unhealthy fear of failure and a lot of luck, as I did.聽 That鈥檚 how you find yourself working in oil and gas. Until, that is, the world conspires to impose mass unemployment on your chosen industry.聽 Then it鈥檚 time to grab the price gun and saddle up.

Let鈥檚 take a look at how my new career as a shelf stacker will affect my standard of living in Norway and in the UK.

For the sake of argument, we鈥檒l ignore the zero hours contracts, the fees that have to be paid to take your employer to court in the event of a dispute, and the 鈥渕ustn鈥檛 grumble鈥� culture that allows companies to ignore even the most basic working directives (whatever you do, don鈥檛 mention the word 鈥榰nion鈥�) and all the other measures introduced in the UK since I left.聽 After all, fear of failure ensures I don鈥檛 mind a bit of unpaid overtime.

In times of high oil prices and nice fat profit margins I would expect to make around 750,000 NOK ($94,000) per year as a drilling engineer.聽 In the UK I would expect to make around 拢50,000 ($68,000) per year for the equivalent job.聽 A bit of a pay cut but very manageable, especially when you consider the lower cost of living.

Unfortunately, drilling engineers just aren鈥檛 in demand the way they used to be. Therefore, a career in retail beckons.聽 In Norway you can expect to make around 300,000 NOK per year ($38,000) stacking shelves while in the UK around 拢12,000 per year ($16,000) is the norm.聽There is only so far a lower cost of living is going to take you.

No matter, I鈥檓 a man of modest tastes.聽 Between myself and my girlfriend I鈥檓 sure we can carve out a small slice of happiness for ourselves.聽 The only problem is that when we leave they鈥檒l probably expect us to take our kids with us.

Won鈥檛 someone think of the children!

Since we鈥檙e both going to have to work full time just to pay the rent and occasionally eat, the kids will have to go to kindergarten.

While I believe our four year old is perfectly capable of looking after himself and our one year old during the day, the courts just don鈥檛 see it that way.聽Therefore, we鈥檒l just have to find an extra 拢2,000 a month ($2,700) to send them to kindergarten.

The 6,000 NOK a month ($750) we pay at the moment doesn鈥檛 seem so bad now.

Can鈥檛 live if living is without you…

It seems that Norway is hell-bent on keeping me here.聽 I really don鈥檛 see how I鈥檓 going to be able to go home until I鈥檓 ready to retire (thus letting the UK bear the cost of looking after me in my old age, despite having contributed almost nothing to the economy during my working life).

This might sound unfair to the UK taxpayers, especially given the fact they also paid for my education, but the government constantly complains that immigrants place too much strain on services such as education, healthcare, and housing.聽 By going to another country to work I feel like I鈥檓 doing my bit to relieve an over-stretched state.

There is a glimmer of hope though.聽Norway has been voting for ever more right wing governments recently. They have been working hard to make life more and more difficult for immigrants and to increase inequality in general.

So maybe, after a few more years, they will have made life just as difficult for immigrants and people in low paid jobs as the UK has. I鈥檒l finally be able to go home! But until then…

I don鈥檛 know, if you can see, the changes that have come over me…

Where does this leave me with regards my home-sickness?聽 Well, I could start by remembering that many of my childhood friends no longer live there. They did the same as me and moved away from their hometown to find better opportunities.

While I鈥檓 at it I could also remember that, while Norwegians will not stop in the street to talk to you, they are friendly in their own way and it is possible to strike up close friendships that will last the rest of your life.

And while it can鈥檛 touch the Highlands for beauty, there are less picturesque places in the world.

I guess I鈥檒l do what all Scots do when they鈥檝e lived abroad too long.聽 I鈥檒l constantly remind you that, while Norwegians invented the cheese slicer and the paper clip, the Scots invented the modern world.

鈥淲hy don鈥檛 you call me tonight on the telephone, invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh.聽 Chances are you鈥檒l interrupt me watching television, invented by John Logie Baird, of Helensburgh, and I鈥檒l tell you to get on your bike, invented by Kirkpatrick Macmillan of Dumfriesshire.聽 You got pneumatic rubber on that thing?聽 Thank John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn.聽 And you鈥檒l be riding it on a road surface invented by John 鈥楾ar鈥� Macadam of Ayr.聽What鈥檚 that?聽 You fell off and broke your leg?聽 Don鈥檛 worry, we鈥檒l fix that under general anesthetic, pioneered by James Young Simpson of Bathgate.聽 And no need to worry about infection, because we鈥檒l clean the instruments with antiseptic invented by Joseph Lister of Glasgow, and we鈥檒l be using antibiotics derived from penicillin, discovered by聽 鈥β� now what was that bloke鈥檚 name again?

– from All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye by Christopher Brookmyre

You鈥檙e welcome!